But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
