I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
