I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
