well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
