On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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