Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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