Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize