He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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