First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
