you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
