A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
