what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
tell me about the eggs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
