i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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