the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
