I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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