Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
