you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
