His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh god it's open bar.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
