our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
