question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
