hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
