I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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