I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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