is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
