I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
