im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
