my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize