my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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