update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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