....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
