i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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