I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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