really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
