i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
