I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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