I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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