Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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