I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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