Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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