I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
