Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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