made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
