if only i could text you this smell
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
