I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
