wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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