One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I would ride that face into the sunset
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
