My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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