I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
