I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
