I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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