You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
