I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
