dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize