weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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