You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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