yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
