im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
