I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
worst night to have a conscience
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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